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greghousesgf) wrote2025-08-08 11:46 am
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cakewrecks_feed) wrote2025-08-08 01:00 pmThat's right, folks: the day you've been waiting for is finally here. All those hours of planning, long nights of anticipation, and stockpiling of Lactaid pills will finally pay off, because today...is Cheesecake Wreck Day.
Now, I know what you're thinking. "Jem," you're thinking - because you frequently get me mixed up with the 80s cartoon rocker - "Jem, how is it even possible to Wreck a cheese cake?"
Why, like this, my adorably confused reader:
[singing] "This-is-how-we-do-it!"
Aww, I see this was taken on my birthday, Mike & Angie. Well, thanks for the thought and all, but that drippy brown splotch has just reminded me: I...uh...don't eat drippy brown splotches. Sorry.
So that's a traditional cheesecake Wreck, but what if I told you it gets even Wreckier?
Yes, my dear Wreckies, I'm afraid it's true: that is a "cake" made entirely of cheese. And not a sweet cream cheese, either - oh no. I'm talkin' the stuff that gets described with words like "sharp," "green veining," and "stinky feet." And it's a wedding cake.
I wish I could say this is a one-time fluke, but unfortunately wedding cheese "cakes" are a growing trend. They're not in addition to the traditional cake, either; they're in place of it. Meaning there is no actual wedding cake at these weddings - just cheese. Cheese! As if that's an acceptable substitute!
What happened to the time-tested wedding arrangement? You know, the one where we bring expensive linens, crystal, and espresso-makers in exchange for a free meal, a little boozy dancing, and a slice of gorgeously decorated, oh-so-scrumptious cake?
Frankly, it only adds insult to injury when someone tries to "pretty" these things up, too:
Fake flowers and ribbon pinned (yes, pinned) into cheese wheels does not an elegant "cake" make.
Still, nothing's as bad as combining cake, cheese, and a pork pie all into a single display:
The question is, can you tell which layer is which?
Cass J., Anony M., Stella P., & Second Anony., I Camembert it; all the Gouda puns Havarti been used!
*****
P.S. If you also enjoy cheesy puns, then BRIE-HOLD!
"Sweet Dreams Are Made Of Cheese" Shirt
::wipes away tear:: It's just so beautiful.
Also it comes in more colors at the link, but I think purple is prettiest. :)
******
And from my other blog, Epbot:
greghousesgf) wrote2025-08-07 11:30 amcakewrecks_feed) wrote2025-08-07 01:00 pmIn honor of the Dog Days of Summer:
I'd feel like a heel if I didn't unleash a pack of thanks on Heather W., Nicole O., Erin R.., Catherine S., Sara S., Lysa R., & Thomas R. for taking pictures rather than going barking mad.
*****
And from my other blog, Epbot:
greghousesgf) wrote2025-08-06 02:35 pm
cakewrecks_feed) wrote2025-08-06 01:00 pm[Tinkling bell]
[very polite Englishman] "Yes, I'd like to order a baby shower cake, if I might. Something perhaps a bit creepy. Not fond of the mother, you see."
[very polite English salesman] "Yes, of course, of course... Might I suggest our Face of Birth cake?"
"Hm, yes, it is quite creepy, but I was thinking something a bit more, if that's not too much trouble?"
"Not at all, sir. Perhaps this will be more to your liking?"
"Oh, that is unsettling... but could we remove the body?"
"Say no more. I've just the thing:"
"Yes, yes, I can see how that might send a bit of a shiver. Could we maybe bury the baby IN the cake, though? Perhaps add a crustacean?"
"Ahh, the old 'crustacean on half a newborn!' That's my specialty, sir, and it's quite creepy - if I do say so myself."
"You know, I truly appreciate your effort, my good man, but I think we've missed the mark. I tell you what: just make something vaguely baby shaped and slap it on the ugliest cake you can find. Think we could do that?"
"Of course, sir, and may I compliment you on your excellent sense of humor? I shall have it post haste."
Thanks to Britani, Valentina V., Alexia O., Alison P., & Zahirah for the ruddy good time.
*****
P.S. If the parents were born in the 90s, bring this to the baby shower, too:
"O Is For Old School, A Hip Hop Alphabet For B.I.G. Kids Who Used To Be Dope"
Aw yeah, that's jammin' on the one, yo.
*****
And from my other blog, Epbot:
greghousesgf) wrote2025-08-05 10:32 amcakewrecks_feed) wrote2025-08-05 01:00 pmYou've got to hand it to a baker who can knuckle down and bring a touch of class to a "Finger Football" cake:
Offhand I'd say they nailed the look with some sort of digital manipulations, but I can't quite put my finger on it.
Oh, and I heard there used to be a few more fingers on the cake board, but you can never put too much faith in second hand rumors.
Hey, Elizabeth M., slap me two!
*****
P.S. Omigosh. MINIONS. Amazon just presented me with the greatest robe hooks of all time. Here, let me give you a few pointers:
Eh? EH?
Of course then I realized these are actually "practice fingers" for manicurists, not robe hooks. Hmph.
Whatever. Slap a command strip on these bad boys and you can still achieve peak Addams Family aesthetic. I'm thinking purse hooks in the entry way, or - OR - cabinet knobs on the bathroom vanity? Ooooh. You can even paint the nails to match your decor! It's brilliant, I tell you, BRILLIANT.
*****
And from my other blog, Epbot:
greghousesgf) wrote2025-08-04 11:58 amalthea_valara) wrote2025-08-04 12:07 pm
cakewrecks_feed) wrote2025-08-04 01:00 pmTips for making the perfect hamburger cake:
- Make it round
...ish.
- Include appetizing toppings:
Tentacles and earth worms optional.
- Mini-burger cakes can be piles of fun!
(Garnish with corn sprinkles for an experience your customers won't be able to pass by.)
- To really add to the "burger" illusion, try a light sprinkling of sesame seeds:
- Or the ever-popular condiment rope:
- Just don't forget the icing!
- And to make your cakes extra memorable, throw in something unexpected. You know, like Funyons:
Believe me, your customers won't soon forget the pungent combination of onion powder and chocolate icing. No matter how hard they try.
- However, if you must make a fun "beverage" to go with your burger cake, NEVER MAKE IT CHOCOLATE.
And btw, to the baker who first thought filling one cup with chocolate icing was a good idea: it's too soon. It will ALWAYS be too soon.
(If you don't get it, for the love of Stay Puft, don't google it.)
- And finally, when all else fails:
Go with hot dogs.
Thanks to E., Martha R., Tharr, April R., Susan M., Amy M., K.F., & Stephanie M. for the grilling.
*****
P.S. Any Bob's Burgers fans here?
The Bob's Burgers Burger Book
Even if you don't need another recipe book, I highly recommend browsing the Table of Contents for gems like "Poutine On The Ritz," "The Sound and the Curry," and "Texas Chainsaw Masa Curd." Hilarious.
******
And from my other blog, Epbot:
greghousesgf) wrote2025-08-03 01:19 pmcakewrecks_feed) wrote2025-08-03 01:00 pmToday we're spotlighting wedding cakes with a modern twist. Unusual shapes, clean lines, bold colors - these aren't your grandmothers' wedding cakes. (Unless your grandma was really, really cool.)
Let's start with what I first thought was a stack of brilliant dishware:
By Baking Arts
Wowee - check out that color! And it's actually striped modeling chocolate, not fondant. Amazing.
I love it when bakers experiment with a wedding cake's shape and height. You know, like this:
Submitted by Elizabeth H. and made by Maggie Austin Cake
Formal, but still fun. Love it.
Extra tall bottom tiers are a neat way to liven up more traditional round cakes, too:
Plus that graphic black and white pattern manages to be both modern and timeless all at once.
This next one is also by Rouvelee, because I couldn't pick just one of her amazing cakes:
Look at those swirls! Totally swoon-worthy.
If you asked an artist for an extremely abstract, minimalistic interpretation of sea foam and crashing waves, you might get something like this:
By Gateaux Inc.
Kinda cool, right?
I had to zoom in on this one before I realized the ribbons weren't real ribbons:
Sub'd by Jennifer H., made by Salt Cake City
Sharp corners, crisp lines - just perfect.
Here's another that might fool you into thinking it's wrapped in real ribbon:
Submitted by Kaitlin M., photo by Lisa Lefkowitz, baker unknown
And those graduated colors! I literally gasped the first time I saw this - such great girly goodness.
There's something about sunny yellow accents with black and white that always makes me smile:
Photo by photoARTworks, cake by Something Sweet Cake Studio
Beauuutiful. And I was delighted when I realized this is by the baker who made our very first cake at our very first book tour stop here in Orlando. (Love ya, Johnnie!)
We've seen our fair share of peacock wedding cakes, but here's a more modern twist on all that beautiful plumage:
Submitted by Heidi T.; By Betty Crocker Recipes
So...would you call that shade Norwegian Blue? [innocent smile]
Happy Sunday!
*****
P.S. It's been over a year since I bought these sleep headphones, so time for another shout-out!
Bluetooth Sleep Headphones
I have the kind of insomnia old-timey bards would write songs about, so I listen to boring audio books on these every night to keep my brain from spinning out of control. Lately I've been wearing them like a sleep mask - like the model here - and WOW, that's helped even more than when I wore them like a headband! These things have been a life saver: comfy enough for side sleeping, not too loud like some of my old speakers, and they only cost $20.
Note that they do run on the big side, but that works out great if you have a big head like me. :D
******
And from my other blog, Epbot:
greghousesgf) wrote2025-08-02 06:19 pmgreghousesgf) wrote2025-08-01 03:07 pmcakewrecks_feed) wrote2025-08-01 01:00 pmAttention Parents: Today's post contain adult humor - albeit extremely childish adult humor.
You know how it goes: you see something, you choke back a laugh, you look around to see if anyone ELSE is laughing, you note that no one is, and then you figure your mind is just in the gutter and you're the only one who sees something a little iffy about the sheep bone on this one-year-old's cake, for example:
[Photo removed at baker's request. (Although *she* thought it was funny; the client did not.) Instead, please enjoy this lovely picture of Epcot. And then imagine a sheep holding a giant dog bone at hip level.]
Doooo yoooour "bones" hang low?
Do they dangle to and fro?
Can you toss 'em in a sack?
Do they startle little Bo?
Ahem.
The point, my fellow gutter-minded friends, is pointing skyward at the moment - and a little to the right.
But in a more metaphorical sense, the point is I understand. Call it a hazard of the job, but I, too, often see giggle-inducing unmentionables where others see, say, unusually shaped "flowers:"
{Insert stamen joke here}
And I'm forced to wonder just how curious Curious George has become to warrant a giant censor dot:
Of course, some people are even further down the gutter pipes than I am, as evidenced by those of you (John) who felt this less-than-ladylike graduation bear deserved a mention - or at least a longer gown:
Sew Unseamly! Someone get this bear a Barely There Censor Bear, STAT.
(Btw, I've heard of a nip slip before, but what do you call this?)
(No, wait - don't answer that. There are innocents present.)
Ok, I know that one was a stretch - [rim shot!] - but tell me you're not in the LEAST bit curious why a baker decided to do this:
Maybe it's a pun: you know, a trunk down the Gingerbread man's trunks? But then, why does the elephant look so unhappy?
Again, probably best if you don't answer that.
Ever see a cake so cute you just want to squeeze it?
Yeah, I'm feeling the exact opposite of that right now.
And then there are the cakes that cross over from vaguely disconcerting into outright cringe-inducing:
WHY IS THE END OF IT DIRTY?!!
And... [whimper]... is that a pearl necklace?
Close the internet. We all need showers.
What? No, not together - ok, COLD showers, for some of you.
And maybe a case of Unicorn chasers.
Thanks to Anony M., Beth B., Carrie C., Patrick V., Katie Q., Cindy K., & Lesley W. for ruining the song "Butterfly Kisses" for me. No, wait, that was already ruined. Never mind.
greghousesgf) wrote2025-07-31 01:58 pmcakewrecks_feed) wrote2025-07-31 01:00 pmWe've all been there: you order something special, wait weeks for it to arrive, and then discover the hard way that you're allergic to latex. Dang it.
My point is, we've all faced disappointment. And itchiness. But mostly disappointment.
Case in point: Eagle-eyed wreckporter Leigh attended a graduation party last month where the cake turned out to be, well...a little dry.
First the hostess commented how hard the cake was, as she couldn't get a balloon pick to stick into the cake
Then they tried to cut it.
Emphasis on tried:
Hey. Waaaaait a second. Is that...?
IT IS!
It's a frosted cardboard box!
This would be a brilliant prank, of course, if it hadn't come straight out of the refrigerated display at their local big-chain store bakery (you can see the price tag in the first photo). OOPSIE. I guess now we know where all those display cakes end up!
A big thank you to Leigh W. for forever redefining "box mix."You know, between this and that time Amy found a pair of scissors in her birthday cake, I'm starting to see why some folks prefer homemade.
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