poetry

[gnutmeg]

April is National Poetry Month. To celebrate, I am posting one of my poems every day. You can play along too! Or, if you don't write, post a poem that you love. I would love to see my friendslist filled with poetry all through April.


Today's poem is one of my newer works. It was written for someone I've become very close to only recently. She's been encouraging my recent flood of words, and having one of her own as well. (Yes, she knows this is hers.)


Sister King

your god is golden
ancient sky creator
while mine are defeated
fornicating in the dirt

eternally similar
green gods, never the same
what label for a shape
they know who we are

in name we are none
but sisters heart and heart
mouth and ear, hand and cheek
spider thin change of pace

passion is strength that kills
and desire cunning weakness
it was my death that found you

Tanatos brought me to you
my great lord bowed between us
granting you my sin of words

a parade of secrets
kissing eye to eye to voice
but hands say more in passing
taking from your needs

sister, stand up! sing out!
be vanity's voice unreasoned
I shall love you as my moon

declare yourself greater
for great king I see you
valiant commander of words
order them to the grave

victory's dawn only rises
over memory's tombstone
farewell, sir night
may you always be a lady

Comments

[agenda.livejournal.com]

Are you looking for any critiques? Just curious, as I'm more than happy to tell you what I like about it. :)

[lirimaer.livejournal.com]

I would love critiques. I haven't had any of my poetry properly looked over in ages.

[agenda.livejournal.com]

Cool! I am so using you in the same way if you feel so inclined, since I respect your opinion more than most of my classmates'.

I feel the flow of most of it, until the last two stanzas. Maybe it's the odd syntax of "for great king I see you" -- I keep wanting to stick a comma in there and I'm not sure if I'm reading it right.

[lirimaer.livejournal.com]

It is a bit of a weird phrase. Take it to mean "I see you as a great king" but it felt better when I mixed the words around. I don't know what it is, but I find I'll sometimes slip into older forms of English when I write poetry that look really weird when read from the modern mind.

In a way, though, the last two stanzas are different. In my mind they're whispered in confidence while the rest is sung proudly - if that makes any sense at all?

And I will happily return the favour. :)

[agenda.livejournal.com]

Okay, I'm reading it as if it's said very deliberately -- "You are a great king AND I see you", not "As I see you, you are a great king". I don't know if that changes the meaning too much, and I'm being nit-picky to the point of annoyance, I'm sure.

Okay, I'm glad I picked up on that difference, then. Had you considered maybe italicizing them to help the reader pick up on it?

[lirimaer.livejournal.com]

This is someone who does not see herself a king but I see it and am telling her as much. So I'm not sure I'd want to change it.

I hadn't. That (or something) might be a good idea. I shall think it over.

[lauraorganasolo.livejournal.com]

I wish I had the nerve to post poetry. I applaud you.

My favorite lines were "a parade of secrets/ kissing eye to eye to voice/ but hands say more in passing." It's such a neat, interesting image.

There is a sort of a heroic, encouraging tone to this that makes it uplifting to read. It's nice. <3

[lirimaer.livejournal.com]

I'm still pondering a book of it. I've been writing a lot lately, and much of it is pretty strong. Or at least I think.

Thank you. :)